Parenting
and Activism
Notes
from a discussion at Lady&Trans*fest, Sunday 30th
March 2014
by
Shonagh.
This
meeting took place upstairs in the WSM room in Seomra Spraoi, which
was once the kindergarten space. Present were a group of parents,
guardians, prospective parents, allies and some children. Shonagh and Marianne
facilitated on behalf of RAG.
The
meeting began with a round of names and the question, “what do you
hope to get from this discussion?” Parents were interested in how
to involve themselves and their children, how to maintain their
activism in the face of obstacles, and to build connections. Allies
were interested in exploring how to make spaces and events more
welcoming and inclusive for parents and children, how to support
them, and to hear different approaches and perspectives. A couple of
people had attended thinking the meeting was on something else,
however they stayed, and made valuable contributions!
The
rest of the meeting was structured as a facilitated discussion
tackling three questions:
1)
What has/could becoming a parent brought/bring to your activism?
2)
What barriers does/could parenthood present to activism?
3)
What would you like to change or see happen? What would inclusive
spaces look like?
My
notes take the form of a picture on my phone of some whiteboard
scribblings! In this report I'll do my best to reform a narrative
around these points and try to do the excellent discussion some
justice.
The
very experience of becoming a parent is a politicising event for
many. As a woman, being thrust into the broken healthcare system to
birth and being exposed to the abuses within it shocks many into
developing their feminist analysis, and practical skills to negotiate
their safety while engaging with this system. Likewise, becoming a
single parent, or being forced to engage with and negotiate the
welfare system, or being exposed to the prejudices in society can be
intensely politicising. Queer people become suddenly far more radical
and visible by virtue of now existing as queer parents. We are now
more subject to societal scrutiny and judgement and the exhausting
process of defence/ justification/ existence. As parents we have to
become involved with societal systems that we may never have had to
think about before and to make choices for ourselves and our
children, including healthcare and schooling, and the avoidance of
the church. We may find ourselves suddenly making links with other
parents in similar circumstances, or creating support networks and
groups – such as queer parents groups, local support networks and
birth activism. For many, parenthood is a focusing event in their
activist life; shifting the focus from the global, the external, to
the personal, the body, and our daily lives, our communities.
However
it can be noted that, especially in our communities, becoming a
parent means becoming invisible. There is the feeling that when
activists become parents, they gradually just conform and disappear,
leaving activism to the young and the childless. Some manage to
engage in campaigns only on “days off” - when the children are
being minded elsewhere – this compartmentalisation of family life,
while sometimes necessary, is exhausting and unsustainable if it is
the expected norm. This separation and disappearance is not the norm
in other countries, and certainly not in communities where anarchism
took hold and became a viable system. All members of the community
have to be valued and involved in order for it to be self sustaining.
Activists need to become aware of their own prejudices regarding
children and by extension their parents, and to take responsibility
to ensure that the spaces they are creating are accessible. More on
this later.
Barriers
to involvement in activism include times and locations of meetings,
the lack of childcare, or tokenistic childcare. Having a child or a
baby at a meeting can be looked upon as too distracting for people
who are not used to having children around. It is hard to come to
events when you know that you will be the only one with a kid there.
In some circles, mothers might even feel too uncomfortable to
breastfeed. In Ireland, the social aspect of activism means that
sometimes the real politics, planning and link-building happens in
the pub afterwards, thus excluding kids and their parents. It is also
just hard as a parent to get to meetings on time, or to commit to a
group knowing that family concerns will come first. Being a working
parent, or a working single parent compounds these problems. Time
often seems too scarce to be involved in anything.
It
was noted that these are self-perpetuating problems; the lack of
children and parents around means that children and parents are
forgotten about and not provided for, then they are not around. In
our absence, there can be a feeling of other people speaking for us,
missing our vital experience and perspectives.
There
are other serious concerns which parents experience with regard to
endangering themselves and their families. Parents may be less likely
to put themselves in situations of physical peril, or to risk arrest
than they were when they were childless. While children may enjoy
some aspects of street protest, poster making and even leafleting,
society can be quick to pass judgement on parents for “imposing
their beliefs”, and we can't always be certain that our children
are safe from police violence. Children are often excluded from
squatted spaces due sometimes to the inadequacy of the spaces, but
also through parents' fears about inviting police and social
services' involvement.
As
activists, by our very nature we disagree with the societal
institutions and norms that are in place, we feel driven to change
things, we want to do things differently and to create alternatives,
to challenge injustices. Our children are part of this, they cannot
be excluded. We have to keep them safe, but we can't pretend they
don't exist or shelve them into childcare while we talk about or work
to change the world, because then we are changing nothing. And we
shouldn't have to disappear with them to keep them safe. We wish to
be authentic for our children; to model engaged lives. Society will
always judge us for this, as it judges and attempts to control women
from the moment they become pregnant. Solidarity is needed from the
rest of the activist community. Parents should feel reassured that
their communities will defend their right to be parents, no matter
how engaged as activists they are. There are creative ways that
communities may be called upon to do this – from legal defense
funds to more novel ideas – for example a conceptual religion with
a statute was mentioned as a way to protect families from state
involvement!
By
facilitating children and their parents, we are facilitating the
organic growth of our communities, we are retaining people with years
of valuable expertise, we are nurturing the activists of the future,
we are continuing, rather than always starting over at adolescence,
ending with exclusion. Activists starting out in their teens and
twenties are excited at the discovery of activist spaces, they are
excited at the existence of community outside of the sometimes
dysfunctional family or local communities they have seen before. They
may be excited to have escaped from the sight of parents and families
that they view as conservative forces. They may be uncomfortable
around children and their parents. To which we say, “get over it”.
Just as it is your responsibility to ensure that your events and
venues are accessible to people of all abilities, genders and
backgrounds, it is also your responsibility to ensure they are
accessible to people of all ages and parental status.
What
does this look like in practice? As with everything, it just requires
a little planning and forethought. Social spaces should be generally
safe for children to be present – think about hand rails, drains,
dangerous areas etc. There should be a quiet all-ages area with
interesting games, books (children's literature exists!), building
toys and art equipment.
Even
where childcare is provided for meetings, expect and accept that some
children will prefer or need to be with their parents at meetings.
We can still have productive meetings with small disruptions. The
birth activist meetings that I attend always have babies and children
present. They get handed around, fed, picked up where necessary,
saved from hot drinks and sharp corners, cooed at occasionally and
taken out often. And the meetings continue.
Children
and parents can be invited to participate in social/community spaces
by organising specific events for children – be these family film
screenings, all-ages gigs or whatever child-focused events you come
up with. One attendee at the meeting related his experience where his
art space organised an all-day kids' party once a month. Bringing
their children, parents built friendships and political links
together. On party days some would share the childcare, and the
others were free to go and participate in direct action together!
When
planning events, thought should be given to the location and the time
of the event, and whether parents will be excluded by virtue of
these. Outdoor events where possible are much more fun for children.
Have one person responsible for coordinating childcare/activities
over a long event, that can be a go-to person, and organise a rota
where necessary. Consider the sleeping arrangements of kids and
parents if there is an event over a few days – e.g. kid houses,
family camping spaces, shared childcare. Some of my most frustrating weekends away as a parent at activist events have involved having to
leave the evening festivities early to sit in a tent or a room with a
sleeping child.
Any
childcare is better than none at all, but there are other ways that
parents and children can be involved in events. When RAG organised a
weekend feminist gathering in 2008 we had an all-ages timetable of
workshops and activities running alongside the other workshops. This
worked really well and the all-ages activities were well attended and
appreciated by all; with children, physicists and architects all
trying to figure out the finer points of paper bag kite-making
together!
When
planning workshops, ask yourself whether this can be an all ages (or
nearly all ages) workshop, if so, make it so, and advertise it as
such. If it could be, but you would need a little extra help/
adjustment, then do that. If we care about a topic enough to workshop
ideas for each other, then surely we can teach the children about it
too – if only for 15 minutes of the time. They can also be relied
upon for the most honest workshop critiques! Plan and advertise
children's/all-ages workshops as far in advance as you would for any
other, to allow parents to plan to attend.
Make
an effort to engage with the children who populate your spaces and
meetings, ask their parents what they need, what you can do to help.
Play with the kids, you might like it! I attended a Birth Gathering
at a lovely old farm in England a couple of years ago at which, by
the nature of the event, there were many children. There was one man
who cared for the kids all weekend, with other people helping out.
There was a beautiful relaxed kids space, and the children were just
helped to explore and play. By the end of the weekend they had
created an incredible fortress city of hay bales, with its own agreed
constitution and civilisation, learning from each other and including
everyone from the youngest to the oldest. It was beautiful, as just
as the parents came to the weekend to learn and create, so did the
children. Just, sometimes, we learn and create in different ways.
There
were other issues discussed in the meeting that I haven't touched
upon; chats were had and connections were made. There is a feeling
that the parents are hiding, that we need to find each other, to come
back. Then maybe those conversations that we need to have as parents
together can happen too – about the work and the responsibility of
raising children, the struggles we encounter. Parents and kids groups
were proposed, and even a family festival! We ended with vegan
chocolate brownies for all, and happy mothers' day wishes.
Afterwards, we brought a bullet-point list of advice downstairs to be
pinned up on the wall of Seomra Spraoi on what can be done to make
events more kid/parent friendly. We are hoping that this advice, and
some of the thoughts outlined in this meeting report will be taken on
board by political and activist groups and spaces.
What
can be done to make an event more kid/parent friendly?
- Engage with the children around you
- Plan all-ages workshops
- Consider the time/place your meeting is on
- Outdoor events
- It is your responsibility to ensure that your event is inclusive for people of all different abilities/genders/ages/parental status etc.
- Is your meeting on a topic kids need to be excluded from? If not, do you need to make some extra provisions to involve them?
- Publicise kid-friendly/inclusive events in advance so parents can plan
- Have kid-friendly zones/spaces
- Ask parents what they need
ragdublin.blogspot.com
ladyfestdublin.wordpress.com
seomraspraoi.org
